he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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