My room smells like vodka and shame
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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