when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize