I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize