she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
bring money and cleavage
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
