Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
