u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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