Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
