Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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