Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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