I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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