Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
