please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
