new low.... made out with someone while peeing
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
