I'll bet she douches with gravy.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
