You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
