got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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