I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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