He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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