i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
They are going to name an STD after you.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize