2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
