my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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