Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
