I think I just saw someone hide a body.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
