Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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