I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
