the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
