Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
