my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
