he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
