even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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