At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
