You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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