sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
