I heard we made out
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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