I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
