We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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