People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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