he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
