he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Shame - the story of my life.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
