Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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