Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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