i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
