I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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