i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You left your phone here
Wait...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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