Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Ketchup is God's man juice
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize