Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
