saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
