and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
my liver is dry heaving
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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