NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
