finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
When are your genitals available?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
