The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
