So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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