Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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